Fancyisms by Bonnie Fancy

Danger Surrounds the Poor Defenseless Car
 
We all want our cars to be clean and blemish free, but that is unlikely if we drive them every day. Nevertheless, our beloved Mercedes-Benz maniacs have major high-blood pressure attacks at the mere thought of the car on the road. Listening to these guys, it sounds as if the whole world is out to get their cars.
As in most households, it is usually the woman who does the shopping. I’ve mentioned before the shopping carts that lurk between parked cars waiting to attack an unsuspecting vehicle. Some carts are so brazen, they wait out in the open at the end of a row, anticipating the chance to roll into the side of some poor, defenseless car.
 
As a reporter for a local paper, I’ve covered events at schools. Because most parents who attend an event drive mini-vans or SUVs, there is seldom a spot left for my small car, so I have become very creative in finding places to park. Once, I backed into a small space between the building and a dumpster. I just had to hope that none of the trash would jump out of the dumpster and hit my car, or that no suicidal text book would choose that moment to fling itself from a second- or third-story window.
 
Several times, the only place to park is by a chain link fence separating the playground from a driveway. As long as no one is playing ball, that should be alright. However, a future Red Sox slugger could shag a ball over the fence, imagining the field fence is the big Green Monster at Fenway Park. If the kid really wants to see a monster, he should see my husband’s face when a dent the size of a baseball appears on the roof of my car. Or worse, the windshield is cracked. At least we don’t live near an outdoor hockey rink. Imagine what a hockey puck could do.
 
Parking along any highway is fraught with danger – the roads are curved and tree lined. I have to find a place where I can pull well off the road if I want to park or anyone driving around the curve might not see my car in time to stop. Of course, highway-side parking takes me off the pavement and into sand and gravel, which attack the car the minute the wheels hit dust.
 
Sand is a major issue. It gets thrown up on the car, potentially scratching it. And in the winter, the sand is mixed with salt which, while hastening an ice melt, eats metal. The slush resulting from the salt and sand combination finds all kinds of cozy places to hide, particularly between the spokes of mag wheels, where it freezes. Because it isn’t evenly distributed, that can make a car ride roughly as if the wheels need balancing. In turn, this causes the owner to become unbalanced.
 
Trees also gang up on cars, dropping leaves and branches on victim vehicles. In the fall, oak and pignut hickory trees form an evil alliance with squirrels. Squirrels hide in those trees, providing them with nuts and acorns to use as bombs. These nasty little rodents bomb the cars passing beneath, missiling little dimples into the roofs. I don’t speak squirrel squeak, but I swear I hear their battle cry, “Bombs away!” as they propel a nut.
 
Then there are the kamikaze animals who give up their lives just to hurt a car. Turtles come to mind. Slowly crawling onto the road and low to the ground, drivers can’t see them until it’s too late and a tire gets punctured as the car runs over the reptile. The turtle likely dies happy, though, knowing his sacrifice took out a Mercedes.
The problem is so pervasive in some places, there are warning signs: Turtle crossing, next seven miles. These are not to be taken lightly.
 
Deer and moose are also out to get the car. They lurk at the side of the road and when a car approaches, the animals leap out with suicidal zeal. They may die, but they die happy knowing they have taken the car with them.
Even butterflies and moths willingly relinquish their souls as they smash themselves against windshields. Yep. They are all out to get the car – including the weather. Attacks from snow and ice are well documented, but there are other atmospheric phenomena waiting to do damage.
 
Rain is almost as bad as snow. It seems innocuous as it lies in puddles alongside a road, camouflaging sand and gravel that splash onto a car, leaving a thin, cement-like layer on the car’s side, as well as some scratches. Rain especially enjoys this pastime in puddles on unpaved roads. In these climes, we have a season between winter and spring called mud season. Some dirt roads get so muddy that cars get stuck. Somewhere, the rain and sand are high fiving as a driver calls the auto club for a tow.
 
Wind dangers, too, are full blown. It’s enough to knock the wind out of a car owner’s sails.
And one of the worst things that can happen to the poor, defenseless car is an encounter with another vehicle. Delivery trucks and school buses make frequent stops that could hurt the brakes of the unwary one following. And, horror of horrors, let’s not forget dump trucks, which like to throw dirt, sand and anything else from their back ends. Even other cars can be hazardous, often stopping too quickly and causing our poor car to collide. Or they could move too slowly, drifting port to starboard and back, causing confusion and consternation for our car. Cars traveling in the opposite direction can churn dirt and debris.
 
Yes, the world is full of danger for an unsuspecting car. Most of us accept this as part and parcel of the driving experience. Not our beloved maniacs, though. They are convinced that the world is out to get their beloved Benzes.